Sunday, 23 October 2016

Ed advises, Rob complains and Lynda ponders: a ram-packed week in Ambridge

Tony’s a star at-tract-ion! (Rubbish headline. Ed)


Tony Archer of Bridge Farm, Ambridge, is set to achieve a lifetime’s ambition next month by starring in his favourite magazine.
‘When I bought my latest classic tractor – a cute little Fordson Major, the first model I ever drove – I emailed Tractor Talk and sent some pictures,’ said Mr Archer. ‘I was amazed when they rang and said they wanted us to be their cover story. My baby grandson Jack was asleep on my lap at the time, and I nearly dropped him!’
The editor of Tractor Talk, Axel Diff-Locke, said the magazine was ‘very excited’ by Mr Archer’s story. ‘Tony’s son lost his life on a vintage tractor, and the family’s facing £30,000 of legal bills, but he can’t wait to get his new Fordson into the workshop,’ he said. ‘Tony’s a man who’s got his priorities right. We’re proud to have him on the cover.’

Grundy wants his wisdom to go viral 


Local farm worker Ed Grundy is set to take the world of motivational speaking by storm as he records the first of his inspirational sales talks on video this week.
‘It’s all the idea of my mate Alice Carter,’ said a bemused but delighted Mr Grundy of Grange Farm. ‘She said the business advice I gave her was so cool I should do a TED Talk. I said didn’t she mean ED Talk, and she said that was even more brilliant and bought me another pint.
‘Anyway, we’re going to meet up next week and go through my lines. It’s simple stuff I’ve picked up in my contracting work, like “People have a relationship with people, not with technology” and “Don’t take leaflets round Borchester Market, you’ll only drop them in the slurry".'
Mr Grundy said the first of his ED Talks would be shown on EweTube (are you sure? Ed. No, not that Ed. Editor) and the whole family was looking forward to it. ‘My wife Emma is fine with Alice taking so much interest in me,’ he said. ‘Yeah, totally fine. Fine.’

Ambridge Christmas show: have your say!


Ambridge impresario Lynda Snell and her assistant director Kate Madikane are inviting Ambridge Observer readers to vote on which show they should stage this Christmas. ‘Inevitably, with a new partnership, there is a certain amount of creative tension, which in this case has led to a temporary impasse,’ said Mrs Snell. ‘We have decided on a traditional pantomime with a modern twist, but which one?’
Mrs Snell and Ms Madikane have come up with a shortlist of five (below). Cast your vote to have the final say!

• Mother Goose. This hilarious tale features knockabout comedy from two foolish brothers, and a grumpy grandmother in the title role, who refuses to let her granddaughter have any of her golden flapjacks because she has fallen in love with one of the brothers.

• Aladdin. A young man meets a kind genie who grants two of his wishes – for smart clothes and magic photographs that make him look handsome. But she cannot grant his last wish – for true love – because she is not a miracle-worker.

• Sleeping Beauty. A lovely young princess sets up a holistic spa but pricks her finger on a yurt pole and falls asleep for 100 years, much to the annoyance of her father Baron Hard-Up, as sadly no prince arrives to wake her.

• Babes in the Wood. Two little boys, Henry and Jack, are in danger from the Demon King after they escape from his castle. But they are kept safe by their comedy uncles Tom and Johnny and their mother’s magic cheese.

• Hansel and Gretel. As their mother is too busy to look after them, Hansel leads Gretel into the wood, where their grandmother has made a cottage out of flapjacks. The twins go inside and eat so much they cannot get out and have to be rescued by Iftikar the Maths Magician.

Local vet faces hunting backlash


Our interview last week with vet Alistair Lloyd has unleashed a storm of protest from the anti-hunting lobby.
In the article, Mr Lloyd revealed he is selling his veterinary practice partly to fund his wife’s ambition to become joint master of the South Borsetshire Hunt.
But animal welfare campaigners have accused him of ‘rank hypocrisy’, and members of Borsetshire against Hunting (BAH) gathered outside his surgery at The Stables, Ambridge, this week to protest.
‘How can someone whose career is about saving animals help finance a sport that’s all about killing them?’ said a spokesperson. ‘The law makes no difference; we all know foxes still get killed. Lloyd should be ashamed of himself.’
BAH are urging pet owners to boycott Mr Lloyd’s new employer, Lovell James of Felpersham, in a bid to stop the sale going ahead.
Mr Lloyd was unavailable for comment but his wife, livery stables owner Shula Hebden Lloyd, said the protest was ‘embarrassing and unnecessary’.
‘Our current Master, Oliver, warned me there was a downside to the position but I never expected anything like this,’ she said. ‘No wonder he’s off to Tuscany. Now, would you get out of the way please; my mother is trying to get through with a game pie and a batch of flapjacks.’

Letter to the Editor

Dear Madam,

I really must complain about falling standards in Ambridge’s retail outlets. This week I have experienced appalling service in The Bull, where it seemed no one wanted to take my order for a pint and a roast dinner, even though I attempted to be public-spirited by stepping into an ugly row between the Fairbrother clowns. I was pointedly ignored in the village shop, and in the Abridge Tea Room, where I am forced to spend three hours at a time with Myson Gideon, my tea usually arrives cold, or not at all. 
As you may know I am recovering from surgery and my mother has gone home to Hampshire. It seems Ambridge is showing its true, nasty colours at last, just like the Archer family and their…
SHUT UP ROB! Ed. 

FOR SALE AND WANTED


• Mauve dress; maternity tops; “Your Guide to a Home Birth”, “50 ways with Toad in the Hole”; Little Miss Giggly mug; wedding ring; ball and chain. Free to anyone who will take them away. Contact Helen Archer, Bridge Farm.
• Vintage mangle. Family heirloom. Would benefit from upcycling. Reluctant sale to pay vets’ fees for our Granddad’s dear old pony. £200. Contact Eddie Grundy, Grange Farm.
• Portrait photographer wanted. Must understand mature women’s skin tone, flattering lighting and tasteful poses that do not need stars to be stuck on afterwards. Contact Susan Carter, Ambridge View.    




8 comments:

  1. Ad currently on eBay:
    "Fordson major late 50's.
    This tractor runs fruitlessly. Used for last 15 months whilst we carried out a renovation.
    Starts first time everything."
    Tony may have bitten off more than he can chew...
    U

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    1. Yes. Hope he sells it on through the Ambridge Observer - very reasonable classified rates....

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  2. I thought there was to be free cider?

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    1. Ah well Johann, there are terms and conditions attached, which are... there isn't any free cider. A classic Grundy offer!

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  3. I've laughed my head off from start to finish. Absolutely hilarious!!

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  4. Well that's good to hear. Thank you sir!

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