Sunday, 12 February 2017

Rob goes to the US, Justin & Lilian go public and Fallon has a bright idea: spring in the air in Ambridge

NOTE TO READERS: There will be no Sunday edition of The Ambridge Observer next week as our reporters will be covering the AcademicArchers conference at the University of Lincoln.  (Note to subs: make sure my paper is reprinted in full. Ed).    

Titchener escapes Stateside


Rob Titchener, who is a fugitive from justice after a foiled attempt to kidnap his baby son, has fled to the USA, according to police sources.
Borsetshire’s Rural Crime Unit (PC Harrison Burns) told a press conference that US immigration officials confirmed Mr Titchener landed in Minneapolis, Minnesota, last week after giving UK police the slip.
‘Once it was clear Mr Titchener had left Borsetshire the case was out of my hands,’ said PC Burns. ‘Which was just as well really, because I’ve been worried sick about the Ambridge cricket team. I don’t regret banning Rob from the team, but you have to say he got results. And this season we’re so short of players I was thinking of putting Bartleby in the outfield.
‘But then Fallon had a brilliant idea – why not let women join? She can’t play of course – too busy making the teas – but there’s plenty of female cricketing talent in Ambridge – just look at the single wicket. And they can wash everyone’s whites afterwards!
‘I’m just going to check it out with the County secretary but I think it’s the way forward. Can’t wait to see Darrington’s faces.’ (Didn’t he say anything else about Rob Titchener? Ed).

Damara chairman in hospital scare


Damara Capital chairman Justin Elliott was briefly hospitalised this week after what was described as a ’bizarre accident’ at a dinner dance.
Mr Elliott, his social secretary Lilian Bellamy, Mrs Bellamy’s sister Jennifer Aldridge and her husband Brian were attending the black-tie event in the Lothario Suite of the Brigadoon Hotel in Felpersham when the accident occurred.
‘It was a crowded dance floor, but this couple stood out,’ said Ray Tremelo, singer with the Kwalitaires dance band. ‘They’d already fallen once after a bungled samba roll. And when the boys struck up the Argentine Tango I knew we were in trouble. The ladies often try the moves they’ve seen on Strictly, but this couple just weren’t up to it. She was going for a gancho, kicked her leg up too high, caught her heel in his cummerbund and it was goodnight Vienna.’
Paramedics were called and took Mr Elliott to Felpersham Hospital with a suspected broken ankle, but he was later discharged. Mrs Bellamy was unhurt and was taken home by Mr and Mrs Aldridge.
‘We were relieved to hear that Justin and Lilian weren’t injured,’ said Mrs Lynda Snell, who was also attending the event. ‘It would quite have spoiled our evening. Although I’m surprised the paramedics could prise them apart to take Justin to hospital. But Robert and I had a wonderful time. We were celebrating Ambridge Hall’s 5-star review on the TravelGuru website. Would you like to see it?’

From the Message Boards…


This week we drop in on the Ambridge Village Forum, for the latest hot topics in the online community…

Hey guys, I’m reaching out to you from Minneapolis. I would really appreciate your opinion of an English guy, name of Rob Titchener, who’s just blown in looking for work. He reckons he can do just about anything – herd manager, real estate, retail, flood management – but when we asked him for references, he said there was no point on account of they’d be so good, we’d just figure he’d made them all up.  Before we hire him, can you guys give us a heads-up on his resumĂ©? Homer D Brave, AgrijobsUSA.com

Don’t hire him, whatever you do, Homer! He’s a vicious bully who nearly ruined my daughter’s life! But you don’t need to take my word for it – a psychologist’s report said he had narcissistic personality disorder and will lie and manipulate people to get his way. Pat Archer.

Yes, what Pat said Homer! I had to ban him from the village shop for verbally assaulting the staff. He was banned from the cricket team too for cheating and bullying and he’s a mis-on mis-yng – mis-gon – anyway, he hates women. Susan Carter.

Pat and Susan are right Homer; Rob Titchener is a nasty piece of work. Superficially charming, but unstable, homophobic, with a violent streak. Steer clear. Adam Macy.

Holy moly, let me just check I’ve got this right? Narcissist, misogynist, homophobe, liar, manipulator, bully and cheat. Sure can’t imagine anyone like that getting far here in the US of A! Thanks guys! Homer.

Your week in the stars


With Valentine’s Day just round the corner, astrologer Janet Planet predicts which signs will be luckiest in love…

Capricorn

Single Capricorns have been on the move lately, setting up a new business and settling into a new home. But that doesn’t mean love is off the menu! Expatriate Capricorns may find they have more than an accent in common, especially if they find themselves bonding over a sick pig.

Pisces

Unrequited love is painful, and when the object of your affections is smitten by someone who is bad for them, it can be hard to stand by and watch. But Pisceans are famously good-hearted and decent, so have faith that your qualities will shine through in the end. And in the meantime, don’t ignore opportunities for romance; a new arrival in the area may think you are the catch of the day!

Taurus

Much like the bull, Taureans can be stubborn and determined to go it alone. But we all need support sometimes, and that is certainly true when a little one is involved.. Don’t let pride stand in your way of accepting help from senior family members, especially if they are waving their cheque book and promising not to interfere.      

Cancer

The tropic of Cancer is hot, hot, hot, but those who find themselves swept away by passion must take care not to let reckless behaviour damage their reputations. Sweet nothings are best whispered in the privacy of the boudoir, not the winners’ enclosure at Felpersham Races.





16 comments:

  1. Brilliant, brilliant, absolutely laugh out loud brilliant! By the way, I liked it!

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    1. I would never have guessed! Thank you so much for commenting!

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  2. Very good, I love that Rob will find himself at home with like minded people in the U.S. of A.

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    1. Yes indeed, with any luck he will never return...

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    2. I expect Rob Titchener's Cabinet appointment will be covered by the Observer...

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    3. Hey...we don't want him...maybe the border patrol will chase him into Canada...

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  3. Absolutely marvellous this week. Real LOL.Husband in next room asked if I was alright!!

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    1. Delighted to hear that, thank you! Sounds like your husband should become a reader too...

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    1. Extra custard creams for the reporters this week then. Thank you!

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  5. Really cheered by a Saturday reading that! well done.

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  6. Thanks Vivienne! Just working on the next edition, including the Academic Archers conference...

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