Ambridge fête lurches from farce to fights
There were chaotic scenes in Ambridge on Sunday as the new organisers were accused of putting on a pantomime instead of the summer fête.
‘I was mortified,’ said Lynda Snell. ‘I thought I could trust Fallon and Emma to respect my legacy, fête-wise, but they must have mixed up the events. It was like watching a dreadful dress rehearsal of Cinderella. Miriam and Lulu Duxford were stomping about like the Ugly Sisters, with Brian Aldridge dressed as Baron Hard-Up, chasing them round with his massive bell.
‘Jazzer made a terrible hash of the Bonniest Babe in the Wood scene and the Community Choir was completely out of control as the Chorus. Whoever let them near the Scruff Gin has a lot to answer for.
‘Thank goodness for Ed Grundy, who excelled as the Knight in Shining Armour, defending the Ruritanian peasants (surely, the much-valued seasonal workers? Ed) from the Racist Rabble of Grange Spinney. The stage-fighting was very realistic, I admit, but that is the best I can say of this production.’
• Tom Archer of Bridge Farm is off to the USA this week to observe how New York delis market their fermented foods. ‘If I can make kimchi there, I can make it anywhere,’ he says.
• Celebrity chefs Miriam and Lulu Duxford have withdrawn the offer they made at the Ambridge fete to train unemployed youngsters at their new restaurant, Les Soeurs Heureuses. ‘On reviewing our aspirations we found they were incompatible with legislation on modern slavery,’ their spokesperson said. ‘We hope to find another way of exploiting… um, sorry, engaging with the community so our guests feel better about paying £20 for a bowl of tomato soup.’
• Joel Hipster, manager of the Happy Friends community café in Borchester, is moving on. ‘I felt it was time to take the next step on my spiritual journey,’ he says. ‘And when Jill Archer gave me all the takings from the fête, the path became clear. I believe the Universe wants me to be really, really rich, so I’m shutting the café and starting a bone broth and macaroon bar in Felpersham.’
Senior citizens update
• Jill Archer, whose flapjack-throwing exploits made her the most sought-after activist in Borsetshire, has launched a new charity. ‘I had so many requests for help I was quite overwhelmed,’ she says.’ But my young friend Kirsty put me right. I’m going to focus on bees and feeding the homeless and I’m starting a new campaign for the W.I. called Stay in a Hive.’ (sorry. Ed).
• Bert Fry and Joe Grundy have set up a bereavement service specialising in counselling elderly widowers. ‘Ain’t nobody knows what it is to lose your life partner like me and Bert do,’ says Mr Grundy. ‘So we’ll come round to see you, eat all your food and fight over who had the biggest marrow at the 2002 Flower & Produce Show. We tried it on poor Oliver Sterling and it must have worked a treat ‘cos he said he wouldn’t need to see us again.’
Poll of the Week
This week’s topic was prompted by the barbecue Fallon and Emma organised to show Ambridge’s support for the fruit pickers at Home Farm.
What was it that made Phoebe Aldridge so sick that she couldn’t keep down her morning-after pill? Vote now!
O Jennifer Aldridge’s baked apples
O Clarrie Grundy’s cheesecake
O Lynda Snell’s Black Forest gateau
O Constantin’s spotted dick
(That’s enough options. Ed.)
How stressed is your vet?
Is your local vet showing any of the following symptoms:
1. Being horribly thoughtless about your recent bereavement
2. Nearly injecting a pregnant cow with prostaglandin, which would have caused a disastrous miscarriage
3. Turning his phone off when he should be on call
4. Jumping like a scalded cat when anyone mentions Matt Crawford
5. Refusing to drop in to look at Peggy Woolley’s Hilda Ogden
If you ticked more than one (especially 5, which is the most troubling), contact your vet's Gambling Anonymous sponsor immediately.
Borsetshire Rural Cinema
Showing this week: The Outsiders.
Hard-working young couple Ed and Emma find themselves caught up in a bitter feud between two rival gangs: the Rough Sorts from Darrington and the Nimbys from Ambridge. Will they manage to move into an affordable home of their own when even their own family members are too snobbish to support them? (yes, you, Susan Carter). A gritty slice of Kathy’s lemon cake (surely, rural life? Ed).