Brexit, romance and gooseberry jam – an unusual week in Ambridge

How is it for E.U.?

With negotiations between the U.K and the E.U. under way, we ask the owners of  Home Farm, who have strong European connections, how they are feeling about Brexit:

Adam Macy: I think this ‘green Brexit’ is a good idea. We’re ahead of the game with our herbal leys.  And I’m not worried about a shortage of labour. We’ve managed to replace our full-time, qualified tractor-driver with a three-day-a-week apprentice who was desperate to get away from his deadly dull grandfather’s farm. So I’m optimistic.

Brian Aldridge: Green Brexit my artichoke. Britain isn’t going to feed itself if all we think about is hoar finches, or whatever nonsense Kirsty Miller blogs about on her ghastly wildlife website. Farming is an industry – just ask my gamekeeper Will Grundy. He knows about managing the landscape for profit – and that means industrial quantities of pheasants for my shooting clients. If it was left to Adam, he’d be building nests for magpies and inviting the foxes to afternoon tea.  

Jennifer Aldridge: I do think it will be a shame if we aren’t able to hire the fruit pickers every summer. They often tell me how grateful they are to escape from their little countries like Bulgaria or… wherever… and see the incredible wealth we have in Ambridge. And they’re paid in proper money instead of cabbages, or whatever it is they barter where they come from. Really, most of them aren’t bad, you know.  Some of them can even speak quite good English. And we all need to do our bit to help the Third World.

Your week in the stars

The AmOb’s resident astrologer Janet Planet reveals what fate has in store for our readers:

Pisces

Sometimes, love arrives when you least expect it, especially if you are a former member of a racist gang and never liked foreigners much. But hey, it’s time for super-cautious Pisceans to throw away the dating spreadsheets and buy new bedsheets! Romance will be all the sweeter if your new love has to return home soon or face prosecution for outstaying her work visa.   

Taurus

Taureans who have been through a very difficult time lately will find a measure of peace and comfort this week. Important decisions you have made – for example, to stay put instead of moving on – will feel right. Expect neighbours to show how much they care with little gifts, such as pots of gooseberry jam.

Cancer

Taking a big decision can be scary, especially where it involves a life-changing step such as adopting a child. But don’t be tempted to go back into your shell. With a supportive partner you could both enjoy a new depth to your relationship, even if it would mean growing up a bit.

 Leo

A fabulous week all round for lucky Lions. The future is looking secure and bright on the work front and the stars are also aligned for Leos who have always wanted a child, but have so far been held back by a selfish and petulant partner. Just don’t let that loyal lion heart of yours get broken again…

Ambridge Exchange and Mart.  

For sale:

• Pat Archer’s delicious organic gooseberry jam. Sharp and refreshing! Priced to sell after a bumper crop. Any offer considered. Contact: Bridge Farm.

• Gooseberry jam. Unwanted gift. Come and take it away ‘cos not even Joe won’t touch it. Contact: Grange Farm.

• Gooseberry jam. Acquired taste. (Hint: don’t leave it on the worktop or it will strip the varnish.) Contact: Shula Hebden-Lloyd, The Stables.

• Gooseberry jam. Free to a good home. Doesn’t go with frozen pizza. Or anything really. Contact: Ruth Archer, Brookfield.

Wanted:

• Bridge Farm gooseberry jam. Does anyone have a spare pot? Brian loves it for some reason – but then he did go to boarding school. Contact: Jennifer Aldridge, Home Farm.  

Letter to the Editor

From the Office of the POTUS,

The White House, Washington.

Dear Madam,

The President has authorised me to reach out to your readers on a delicate matter. The Commander in Chief, who as you will be aware is a world-class hotelier, recently visited a number of British country clubs on a low-key ‘mystery shopper’ mission.

It seems that during his stay in your locality, the POTUS mislaid a personal item of headwear. He is not sure whether this was in the restaurant, where he enjoyed Chef Craig’s ’50 Shades of Grey Gables’ seasonal menu, or in the health club (congratulations to your instructor Leroy on an excellent Aqua Fit class) or in his suite, where he spent a relaxing evening despite the lack of Fox News and a poor WiFi connection to Twitter.
Mr Trump would like to be reunited with his headgear, which is a favorite. It is easily recognisable by its orange/gold colour, stiff texture and tousled appearance, which has been likened to two rats doing a tango.

If any of your readers can locate and retrieve the item, the President has authorised me to offer a POTUS 45 baseball cap and Mar-a-Lago key ring as a token of his appreciation.

Truly yours,

C. I. Abbott

Asst to the Executive Asst of the VP of the President’s Headwear Dept, The West Wing.