Election chaos and Matt is on track...

Ambridge election ‘on the brink’

In a shock move, Borsetshire District Council (BDC) has announced it may impose direct rule on Ambridge as tensions around the village’s Parish Council election reach breaking point. In this week’s campaigning:

• Parish clerk Jim Lloyd was accused of being a ‘walking, talking election poster’ for candidate Emma Grundy by Lynda Snell, wife of the rival candidate Robert Snell.

 • Mr Snell complained that Nic Grundy, Emma’s sister-in-law, had soaked his leaflets in the drip tray at The Bull and had refused to put up a poster because ‘he had too much nasal hair and it wasn’t Hallowe’en till next week.’

•  Mrs Snell was asked to leave the Bridge Farm Tea Room after trying to take an unflattering picture of Emma Grundy eating a bacon sandwich.

‘Lively debate is welcome in local democracy but there are limits,’ said a spokesperson for BDC. ‘If the election process continues to be subverted in Ambridge we will not hesitate to send in officers to administer its precept.’

Matt Crawford a marked man, say police

Borsetshire Rural Crime Unit (PC Harrison Burns) has warned that ex-pat businessman Matt Crawford faces arrest if he attends South Borsetshire Hunt Ball on Sunday evening.

‘This evil, heartless criminal has got away with too much for far too long,’ he said. ‘We already suspect him of stalking Mrs Lilian Bellamy by fitting a tracker to her dog Ruby, and also to Mrs Bellamy’s phone. This enabled him to follow her into the ladies’ dressing rooms at House of Fraser in Birmingham, disguised in a midnight blue velvet backless ballgown, to force on her a one-way ticket to Costa Rica.  

‘Shula Hebden Lloyd has also reported Mr Crawford for the malicious campaign against her equine businesses, which has cost them important clients. Of course, one horse died and one was injured at The Stables lately, but it was jolly unfair of Mr Crawford to tell everyone.

‘He then dared to compound his crime by donating a £5,000 Rhine cruise for two to the Hunt Ball raffle, thereby obliging Mrs Hebden Lloyd to give him a ticket for the ball.

‘All this was bad enough,’ said PC Burns. ‘But Mr Crawford was then overheard expressing homophobic and bigoted views on surrogate parenthood to Adam Macy, which quite understandably prompted Mr Macy to exercise his right to bop him on the nose.’

‘All I can say to Mr Crawford is ‘Mind how you go,’ said PC Burns. ‘He has already given at least three guests at the ball the motive to do him a mischief. And if he emerges from his suite at Grey Gables to attend the ball, he may find his ‘plus one’ is a burly officer of the law.’

Recipe of the week

Seductive Zucchini Surprise

Thanks to Justin Elliott, chairman of Damara Capital and proud husband-to-be, for sending us his signature dish. ‘My flatmate Alejandro and I cooked this for the ladies every week in the Sixties,’ says Mr Elliott. ‘Let’s just say they always came back for seconds!’

Ingredients

6 mature (but still firm) courgettes

Warm olive oil (works wonders)

6 plump tomatoes, carefully peeled

Lots of cheese

Method (never fails)

1.     Put all the ingredients in a pot on the stove

2.     Dim the lights and put on Frank Sinatra’s Songs for Swinging Lovers

3.     Pour the lady an enormous sweet Martini

4.     Forget about dinner

5.     In the morning, invite her to do the washing-up before she leaves

  

Borsetshire Rural Cinema

Showing this week: Fungus in the Attic

Perfect for Hallowe’en!

In this 1990s schlock-horror classic, misunderstood kids Freddie and Noluthando try to find some excitement in their meaningless lives by picking ‘magic mushrooms’. But while drying the shrooms, they find themselves trapped in the attic of their creepy old family mansion, where the staff never go. No one hears their screams because Freddie’s twin Lily is busy dispensing unwanted romantic advice, their mother is fretting over the Hunt Ball and house guest Pip is having a noisy reunion with lover Toby. And the plot takes a terrifying twist when Noluthando rubs an old diver’s helmet and summons the ghost of Freddie’s late father Nigel, who is bent on revenge for his untimely death…    

Storm Brian, The Stables under a cloud, Christmas show unveiled!

Danger from ‘peak Brian’ averted

Weather experts were left red-faced this week after Storm Brian, which was forecast to cause widespread chaos in Ambridge, blew over without much fuss.

‘We know what can happen when Brian blows his top,’ said one. ‘And we thought there would be an almighty row when his granddaughter said she wouldn’t go to college while she is staying at Home Farm.

‘The prospect of Noluthando lazing about all day watching Netflix had already whipped Brian into a tropical storm, which strengthened to hurricane force when he stepped on Kate’s Om Tingsha bells in bare feet.

‘We fully expected raging winds that would see Spiritual Home’s yurts flying over to Penny Hassett,’ said our source. ‘But in the end, Freddie Pargetter persuaded Noluthando that college would be cool. So she gave in. Phew.’ 

                                        

Director promises a musical classic

This year’s Ambridge Christmas show will be a reworking of the iconic Hollywood musical High Society, director Lynda Snell has revealed.

‘I had thought of dusting off an old Sleeping Beauty script and giving it to Alice Carter to direct,’ said Mrs Snell. ‘But once this idea struck, my creative juices started flowing faster than a Tumble Tussock in a cider press.

‘As you know, the story unfolds on the eve of the wedding of a beautiful socialite and her rich but dull fiancé. But her conman ex, who still loves her, is hanging around. And hilarity ensues when a third suitor turns up and the heroine has to choose between them all.’

The original 1956 film starred Grace Kelly, Bing Crosby and Frank Sinatra, but Mrs Snell said she plans to update the production to suit local acting talent. ‘It would be wonderful to see some of our more mature players in starring roles,’ Mrs Snell said. ‘I hope Lilian Bellamy and Justin Elliott will tread the boards again, and that I can cajole Matt Crawford to delay his departure to Costa Rica to take part. And we have a very promising newcomer, Philip Moss. It’s unusual to find a builder with such emotional depth.    

‘I may even cast myself and Robert in the knockabout duet ‘What a Snell party this is!’ she said. (Please, no. Ed). 

Goodbye, Mr Chaps

The South Borsetshire Hunt Ball lost its bucking bronco sideshow this week as the supplier claimed he was worried it might be damaged or even destroyed at the event.  

Chuck Chaps, owner of Rampant Rodeos (Felpersham) Inc., said he was no longer prepared to send his ‘Mean Mustang’ to the ball, now that it is being run by new Joint Master Shula Hebden Lloyd.

‘I’ve read plenty of ugly rumours about the way Mrs Hebden Lloyd runs her livery business,’ he said. ‘it’s all over the equestrian community message boards. And her husband the vet is just as bad, by all accounts. Killing horses and losing clients hand over fist.

‘People think you can treat this machine any way you like but it’s really quite sensitive,’ said Mr Chaps. ‘I told Mrs Hebden Lloyd that Mean Mustang had developed a fault but the truth is he’ll be staying in the stable. I might even give him an extra squirt of WD40 in the joints as he’s getting on a bit.’

Contacted by The AmOb, Mrs Hebden Lloyd said that stories of neglect and mistreatment at The Stables were ‘unfounded and malicious’. ‘I’m afraid a former employee with a grudge is to blame, and my husband and I are taking legal advice,’ she said. ‘But in the meantime the ball faces a crisis. At this rate I may have to ask Aunty Peggy if I can borrow Hilda Ogden to give the guests that dicing-with-death thrill.’

 Election watchdog warns parish clerk

The monitoring officer at Borsetshire District Council has expressed concern about the neutrality of the clerk of Ambridge Parish Council in the run-up to its forthcoming by-election.

Robert Snell, who is standing for the seat vacated by Oliver Sterling, claims that Jim Lloyd, the clerk, is giving his rival Emma Grundy an unfair advantage by helping her campaign. ‘Favouring one candidate over another would be completely contrary to the clerks’ code of conduct,’ said Les B. Watchingham. ‘I would take a very serious view if this were true. And in fact it’s quite rare, as clerks usually see the election of new councillors as just another bunch of newbies they have to train up before they can do too much damage.’

Mr Lloyd denied doing anything improper to influence the outcome of the election.* ‘Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?’ he said. ‘And anyway, status quo est distraxisse.’  

*At least we think he did. Ed.

Food producers ready festive launches

It will be the ‘battle of the bottles’ this festive season in Ambridge as three local artisan producers aim to woo customers with their Christmas offerings.

At Grange Farm, the Grundy family claim they have hit on a winning combination with their offer of a free bottle of cider, made with heritage ‘Tumble Tussock’ apples, with each turkey. ‘We’re also throwing in a copy of our Emma’s Parish Council election manifesto,’ said Eddie Grundy .’Give people summat to talk about round the Christmas dinner table.’

 At Hollowtree, Toby Fairbrother says that Scruff Gin, the brand he started last year, is taking off after a patchy start. ‘Things are so busy with Christmas orders, I’ve barely got time to check out Tinder,’ he says.

At Bridge Farm, Tom Archer will be testing the market for kefir, his fermented yogurt drink, with a soft launch for Christmas.

‘I did suggest having a kefir luge at the Hunt Ball, but for some reason they preferred vodka,’ said Mr Archer. ‘I’ve also had to limit  the range of flavours, as the staff were getting a little too enthusiastic and not focusing on Bridge Farm core products. So Susan Carter’s suggestion of chilli-flavoured kefir is on the back burner for now.’

News in brief

• Female members of the Ambridge Cricket Club will have their own changing facilities next year thanks to a generous donation from Mrs Christine Barford. ‘We are very grateful to Christine for her support,’ said captain Harrison Burns. ‘She has promised that if she starts baking now, she will have enough rock cakes to build a pavilion in time for the first match of the season.’

• In a break with tradition, this year’s South Borsetshire Hunt Ball will be dancing to the music of two young DJs instead of the Tommy Croker Band. MC Fred E. P. and Durban grooveslinger ‘Don’t call me Nolly’ Madikane will be mixing kwaito, zouk, reggaeton and Afro house with some Naija pop, soukous, mbalax and old-skool R & B. ‘It sounds like great fun,’ says Shula Hebden Lloyd, who is organising this year’s event, ‘although I wasn’t quite sure whether they were reading me the playlist or the canapés menu. But after few trips to the vodka luge I’m sure hunt members will get into the swing.’

• Robert Snell’s Parish Council election bid got off to a faltering start this week when he mixed up Poppy Grundy, four, and Keira Grundy, six, while on the campaign trail. ‘Poppy is a sturdy child, it’s true,’ said Emma Grundy, Mr Snell’s rival. ‘But the fact Robert confused her plain features with my little princess Keira just shows how out of touch he is with issues that really matter to people in this village and that’s what I’m going to change in this village it’s not just about whether your face fits and who you know in this village..’ (that’s enough election news. Ed).     

Your week in the stars

Our resident astrologer Janet Planet reveals what fate has in store for readers:

Aquarius

Aquarians in the hospitality industry will be flat out as temperamental Sicilian colleagues leave you in the lurch. But with typical Aquarian ingenuity, you probably have a solution up your sleeve – or in Bulgaria, anyway. Play your cards right and things at home and at work could be looking up by Christmas!

Pisces

Ouch! Amorous Pisceans will find themselves regretting acting on impulse. Exes, even feckless ones who owe you money, have feelings too and trying to snog their face off is likely to lead to embarrassment, especially if you still look like the Elephant Man.

Leo

Bromance is on the cards for professional Leos as an unlikely encounter with a wise builder makes you feel better about your problems. When you’ve killed one horse, missed a pressure sore in another and conducted  500 bovine TB tests with your wife wittering on about vodka luges, a few chuckles over laminate flooring disasters will soon put your troubles in perspective.   

Scorpio

Scorpios who are in the dog-house, romance-wise, find help from an unexpected quarter. Advice from your fiancé’s former partner on how to handle a tiff raises your hackles at first, but soon has you back in the master bedroom. But beware of exes playing Cupid – they may make you look stupid in the end!

Council in crisis and is Kate a good egg?

Council in ‘existential crisis’ leadership shocker

Ambridge Parish Council was rocked to the core this week as it was plunged into what chairman Neil Carter described as ‘an unprecedented constitutional crisis.’

Following the resignation of Oliver Sterling, a vacancy has arisen and for the first time in living memory, more than one candidate has expressed an interest in taking over.

‘We’re really not sure of the procedure,’ said Mr Carter. ‘The last time we had an election in the parish, Nathan Applecore stood against Sir Grimwood Buckle and won on a platform of repealing the Corn Laws.’

To add to the complexity of the situation, one of the candidates for the vacant seat is Mr Carter’s daughter, Emma Grundy, whose passionate defence of the proposed new housing at Bridge Farm has already seen her labelled a ‘firebrand’ by some local residents.

‘This Council is too pale, male and stale. It’s about time it was shaken up a bit,’ said Mrs Grundy. 'Ambridge needs to take people like me and my family seriously and there are plenty round here who agree with me. Jill Archer has already said she’ll support me at hustings. She’s making weapons-grade flapjacks specially.’

Mrs Grundy’s opponent, Robert Snell, says he is ‘surprised but prepared’ to contest an election. ‘I’m standing on a bird-watching platform at the moment,’ he said.’ But as soon as I’ve finished my sandwiches I’m going to get on with campaigning. Lyndy has given me some lovely ideas, such as compulsory book club membership and funding half-price cappuccini for senior citizens at the Bridge Farm tea room.’

My Week, by Kate Madikane

We catch up with the owner of Spiritual Home, Ambridge’s very own eco-spa, as she reflects on the nature of motherhood…

Sunday

Children are such a blessing, aren’t they? Especially when you’d completely forgotten you had a daughter, and then she pops up as a surprise present for your 40th birthday!  Nolly (no, Noluthando – I must remember she’s all grown up now!) is such a joy to me. Once she’d recognised me at my party, we were soon much more like besties than mum and daughter. Of course, living with her father in Durban has rather restricted her mindset and to be honest she could be more respectful of my spiritual integrity and holistic practices. But we all come to truth in our own way. As long as it’s my way, of course.

Monday

Being around Nolly (I mean, Noluthando!) has made me feel so connected with myself as a mother. Not like with Phoebe – she takes after her father, basically quite dull. Super-brainy of course, she must have got that from me. No, I can see my own free spirit and strong sense of self in Nolly (surely, Noluthando? Ed). So much so, that I felt moved to share that gift with my brother and his husband. When I graciously informed Adam that I was prepared to bestow on them the full bounty of my womb by acting as their host mother, he was literally speechless. I know! Sometimes people are so overwhelmed by gratitude towards me, it is hard to be humble.

Tuesday

Nolly (oh, whatever. Ed)  and I had a wonderful mum-and-daughter bonding trip to London today. Of course, I hate the shallow, capitalist delusion of shopping for clothes and going to restaurants, but as we were spending my father’s money the bad karma is all his. People often misunderstand this.

Wednesday

What people don’t appreciate about me is that I’m a really careful, wise listener, always ready to see others’ point of view. So when my sister Alice had a word with me about my selfless gesture to be Adam and Ian’s surrogate, I listened closely.  She pointed out that I might sacrifice my business, my relationship with my children, and my figure by having another child. And, even though my vegan diet and yoga-honed uterus are the perfect environment for any foetus, I began to see that she was right. And, because I am truly generous of spirit, I allowed her to break the news to Adam and Ian for me. If only people like Roy could be as relaxed as me! He’s always fretting about silly details, like the restaurant manager at Grey Gables storming out in the middle of service. I said, ‘Roy, so a customer ended up wearing two crab risottos and a bavette tartare. Serves him right for not being vegan. Chill!’

Thursday

As I said, children are a joy, and sometimes they give you even more joy than you actually wanted! Noluthando has decided she would like to stay in Ambridge, and having spoken to her father I think she really needs some proper, empathetic maternal love. At least until Christmas. After a few months of vegan food, hatha flows and shaman rituals with me, I’m sure she will realise that her true spiritual path lies at Felpersham International on the way back to South Africa. Of course, I will be sad, but I have to follow my own true mantra of motherhood: ‘If you love them, let them go.’ 

Pet of the Week

Name: Titan

Owned by: Mrs Ramsay, Haybury

Likes: Polo mints, 3-day-eventing

Dislikes: Going to the vet; being gelded

(Urgent note to subs: pull this item. Alistair Lloyd says there was a balls-up in surgery. Ed.)