Sunday, 7 May 2017

Cricket controversy, gambling scams and desperate measures: a packed week in Ambridge

‘Quietest Bank Holiday ever’ reported in Ambridge

An appearance by Edgeley Morris Men on the village green was the highlight of a Bank Holiday weekend in which ‘absolutely nothing happened’, according to village sources.
‘Usually you can expect a bit of drama, like an arson attack on a henhouse or even the theft of some bunting,’ said Mrs Gemma Hawkins. ‘But this Bank Holiday there was nothing.
Someone left their copy of the Racing Post in the Bull, so we all wondered who that was for a minute. And Bridge Farm had a special offer on chocolate panettone. That was about it. I suppose it was quite restful though.’

Authorities probe Borsetshire ‘gambling ring’

Police are investigating an illegal betting ring that is thought to be operating throughout the county, according to Borsetshire’s Rural Crime Unit.
PC Harrison Burns told a packed press conference this week that he had been alerted by Felpersham Racecourse to their suspicions about ‘irregular betting patterns’ seen at Wednesday’s meeting.
‘There were two smartly dressed women putting on large, cash bets on the rails, on hopeless nags that came last each time,’ said PC Burns. ‘But they appeared to be known to a high-rolling gambler, who approached them before each race, using the codename ‘Pusscat’. Although the women were quite hostile to him, we think this was an elaborate diversion from a massive race-fixing operation organised from the Owners & Trainers bar.’
PC Burns also said he hadn’t ruled out a connection to a ‘cribbage scam’ that came to light in Ambridge this week.
‘I came across an elderly man wandering in the lanes, muttering ‘One for his nob’ to himself,’ he said. ‘It transpired that Joe Grundy, 95, had apparently been traumatised by a game of cribbage with Neville Booth, in which Mr Booth had, allegedly, cheated openly and frequently. Later that week, however, Mr Grundy was observed buying drinks for everyone in The Bull, on the flimsy pretext that his pony Bartleby had found a friend.
‘All this is so out of character that I can only suspect some connection to the ‘Felpersham ring.’
PC Burns said the repercussions of the case could be quite wide. ‘We already have a lead to Costa Rica,’ he said. ‘At this rate, I might be able to wangle a trip to Vegas. Fallon would love that.’

Burns makes bold move for Edgeley clash

Ambridge cricket captain Harrison Burns is set to pick three women for the tricky match against Edgeley on Sunday.
Jolene Archer, Lily Pargetter and Anisha Jayakody will appear for Ambridge, while Burns has dropped veterans Adam Macy and Will Grundy, in a move that is bound to revive the row about allowing women to play for the village team.
‘The fact is, Adam and Will didn’t turn up for nets, so not being selected will send a message about commitment,’ said Burns. ‘And Lily needs cheering up after failing her driving theory test, so it will be nice for her to have an afternoon out.’
Will Grundy said he was ‘disappointed, but not surprised’, by the move. ‘Women are taking over if you ask me,’ he said. ‘This week I had my own wife telling me that women should be allowed to go out to work instead of staying in to cook my food and look after my children. What is the world coming to?’    

Poetry Corner

Our Poem of the Week comes from Bert Fry, taking his usual wry, spry look at life in Ambridge. Thank you Bert!

A house guest

The Good Book says that we all should
Do as our own dear Saviour would
and try, by some kind word or deed
To help our neighbours when in need.

So when of Brookfield’s woes I did hear,
Money trouble so severe
That it might push them to the edge,
I gave Ruth some of my spare veg.

But the Good Lord, who knows best,
Has put me to a bigger test.
He asks that I should do no other
Than give a home to Toby Fairbrother.

He said we’d have a lot of laughs,
Just like we did in days gone past.
I don’t remember any ‘bantz’
But can’t forget his unwashed pants.

I said I’d help as times are tough,
So Toby’s moving in his stuff,
But I’m not sure how it will go,
With three men in a bungalow.


For sale

Charm bracelet. Quite short of charms, actually. Unwanted gift. Good price for a quick sale.
Contact Pip Archer, Brookfield. (Discreetly please, because I want to pretend I lost it in the silage clamp.)

Holiday let – great value last-minute offer!

Rickyard Cottage, Brookfield. Enjoy a relaxing break in a charming cottage on a real, working farm! Wake up to the keening wail of farmer Ruth, as she despairs of paying the feed bill! Chuckle along with David Archer as he traps his thumb in the cattle crush after working a 14-hour day! Enjoy grandma Jill Archer’s home-baked flapjacks*, delivered to your door!  The cosy cottage sleeps two, in a comfortable bed, almost free of crumbs. Farmhouse kitchen fully stocked with Pot Noodles and featuring a traditional half-built gin still. £450 per week; £650 per week in high season. Prices negotiable though as we are really desperate. Apply: Pip Archer, Brookfield Farm, Ambridge.  *Unless your name is Fairbrother.  

Dawn Chorus Charity Walk, Sunday May 7 2017

To celebrate International Dawn Chorus Day, join Kirsty Miller and Helen Archer on a family-friendly walk through some of Ambridge’s loveliest landscapes. Meet on the village green, 5am. Donations to a local miscarriage charity welcomed. Please note: the walk’s route crosses the wildflower meadow at Grange Farm, which is a Site of Special Scientific Interest (SSSI). Eddie Grundy has asked us to point out that the muddy patch churned up by pigs is NOT the SSSI. The fenced-off area with a few flowers still left in it is the SSSI. Grange Farm pigs are aware of this and are not allowed to rummage in the SSSI as if were an all-you-can-eat buffet. Oh no. Thank you.      


  1. Oh have done for's OK. I have a glovers needle and some thread to stitch my sides together.

    Oh dear. The country sounds like a bit of a tricky place...

    1. Glad to hear that Dougie! I suggest some local anaesthetic in the form of a stiff slug of Scruff Gin first... Thank you for reading!

  2. Replies
    1. That's very kind, thank you for commenting! Glad you enjoyed this issue.

  3. Wonderful. Poetry Corner is a joy.

    1. Bert never could resist a rhyming couplet! Thank you very much...

  4. Brilliant as ever - brightened my Monday no end.

    1. That's good to know! Thanks for reading!

  5. That blasted missing Bunting must be wondering when its time is coming ... talk about long-simmering pots coming to the boil. Surely it will found guilty of causing the "Great Ambridge Deluge" when some twerp shoved it down the drains. That twerp being Rob Kitchen-Knife of course.

    1. Bunting as a weapon of mass destruction... hmmmm

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