Farewell to Nic, and hello to Brian's new vision...

Retail village set for livestock site

Artist's impression of how the new retail units will look 

Borchester Land has angered local farmers by deciding to build a number of fashion shops on the former site of Borchester livestock market, instead of an agricultural mega-store.

However, directors are said to be split on the issue. ‘Frankly, Brian Aldridge and Justin Elliott are betraying the local community by putting up yet more shops for the floral welly brigade,’ said one board member.

But chairman Brian Aldridge defended the decision. ‘Our vision for an upmarket countryside destination with adjacent high end retail outlets will cover the whole spectrum of modern, er… sorry, can’t read Justin’s writing – ah yes. Shopping,’ he said.

Ruth Archer, of Brookfield, said she was ‘gutted, like’ about the decision. ‘I was countin’ on somewhere I could buy a sack of dairy nuts, a cheap waxed jacket and a rose in a pot to give Jill on Mother’s Day, all under one roof, like,’ she said.  ‘It’s just another case of Brian puttin’ profits before people, as usual.’

 Festive show promises a daring classic

Ambridge impresario Lynda Snell has given critics a sneak preview of the 2018  Christmas show – a daring adaptation of two much-loved classics. ‘My dear husband Robert gave me the idea,’ she said. ‘I had just finished reading Laurie Lee’s wonderful Cider with Rosie, and Robert persuaded me to start one of his favourites, The Silmarillion by JRR Tolkien.

‘To be honest, I was struggling until Robert gave me a stiff gin, and suddenly it came to me. Silmarillion with Cider!’

Mrs Snell said she had a ‘compelling vision’ of recreating Middle Earth in Ambridge, with Jim Lloyd as Eru Iluvatar (God) presiding over a kingdom of elves. ‘And in homage to Laurie Lee, the doomed lovers Beren and Luthien will plight their troth over a pint of Tumble Tussock.’

But Borchester Echo critic Tristram Hawkshaw was sceptical. ‘I hope Mrs Snell gives out free cider to the audience before each show,’ he said.’ It’s the only way anyone could sit through it.’

From the messageboards

We drop in on the AmMums forum, to see what’s got the online community talking this week:

•  Guess what ladies, exciting news! Lexi’s menstrual cycle is downregulating nicely! She went for tests this week. So it will soon be the green light for Adam’s exceptionally agile sperm. Isn’t that marvellous? Jenny.

•  I don’t know how you can show your face on here, Jennifer, after what Alice said to Will at the funeral. She’s a selfish girl who doesn’t care about anyone else’s feelings. Clarrie.

• Oh Clarrie, I know. I’m so sorry. I’ve already apologised to Will about Alice spoiling his day. But then, his day was pretty bad already, wasn’t it? It’s not as though it was ever going to be enjoyable… Jenny.

• Shut up Jennifer. Everyone.

• Hello mums, only me! Just wanted to share my great new tip for vegetable stew. It tastes super if you add fruit, nuts and spices to it. Do you know, one of my clients at The Elms suggested it? Who would have thought a homeless person would have an opinion? Pat.

• Clarrie – I see you’re online. I would have apologised in person, but you slammed the door on me… I’m so sorry about the funeral – I’m just having a huge gin to help me forget it. Please forgive me, so we can all move on, because I’m having such a terrible time at work. I mean, just the other day… Alice.

• Shut UP, Alice! Everyone.

 Poem of the Week

Many thanks to Borsetshire Laureate Bert Fry, who has sent us this moving tribute to Nic Grundy, whose funeral was held at St Stephen’s church, Ambridge, on Tuesday.

And so we laid young Nic to rest,

Everyone dressed in their best,

They played a song by Shania Twain,

And a poem about sunshine on grain.

Poor Will, he kept his head held high

As to his only love he said goodbye.

Supported by Nic’s mum, Beverley,

And brother Rod, who came down from Dundee.

It’s a tragic thing to see a grown man

Holding on to his mother’s hand.

But Clarrie and Eddie, they saw Will through,

And looked after those poor children too.

Poppy, too young to understand,

Held a posy in her hand,

And George in his uniform looked so smart,

Emma said it would break her heart.

But life goes on, or so they say,

And Pip Archer’s baby is on the way!

This week she felt the little one kick her,

And then she jumped as if I’d bit her!

I said to Ruth, I’m not being funny

I’d never try to touch her tummy!

She said: Bert, I don’t think you’re seen

As Ambridge’s answer to Harvey Weinstein.’

So farewell Nic, we’ll think about you

And Ambridge won’t be the same without you.

We’ll look after your kiddies, as best we can,

And tell them about their lovely mam.